I’ve been wondering whether sadness can be a personality trait. There have been times in my life when I’ve felt a strange sense of comfort in being gloomy, sad, or in a general state of malaise. I would listen to slow, melancholic music to deepen that feeling. When I try to move out of that emotional state, I actually find myself missing it. What is this called, and why do I feel a sense of pleasure in being “gloomy”?
Maybe the effort required to change feels so much greater than staying the same, and that’s why I remain cynical.
I also wonder whether this emotional style can become addictive over time — whether it can settle in so deeply that it starts to feel like part of my personality.
Right, this will be a free flowing blog post about what I have been thinking. So last week I went on a walk with a group in Kent. It was incredibly foggy, and somehow the weather made me think about the fogginess of life itself. Everything is so uncertain, unpredictable, and random. Yes, we have some level of control, some free will to try to change the trajectory of our lives – but we often underestimate how much our genetics, upbringing, social environment, family dynamics, living situation, and responsibilities shape us. This essentially shapes your adult life.
As I was walking through the mist, it struck me how some paths in life are clear for certain people, almost laid out for them… while others of us have to make up the path as we go, feeling our way forward with limited visibility.
When I think about childhood, the difference becomes even more obvious. Some children are given such a steady, predictable path that their development unfolds without major setbacks. Their focus can be on simply being children. But others face a series of obstacles just to make it through childhood -trauma, bullying, financial strain at home, caring responsibilities, instability. These kids carry that weight into their teenage years while their peers, who had clearer paths, can enjoy their youth with a certain peace of mind.
I went through one of those uncertain, heavy paths myself. My youth was filled with fear, stress, and a constant feeling of instability.
And it all makes me wonder: which path is actually better?
Menged Maseb 
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